Monday, June 18, 2007

Loose bits

Snap-ins are those annoying inserts they put in magazines that fall out all over the place and make it impossible to lay the magazine flat so you can read it while drinking a margarita and painting your toes.

I hate snap-ins with a hate that is never-ending.

That hate has got me thinking of all my other irrational targets of hate. Most have to do with loose ends and bits and pieces and, on occasion, gravity. I don't exaggerate when I say that if something passes through my hands that I don't have a designated location for, I become literally paralyzed by indecision. It's like the brain-loop my dog went into the other day when faced with his first mirrored closet door: He couldn't understand why he couldn't get into that room. So he just kept swinging his head left and right, left and right, left and right. That's me when holding an extra shoelace.

Other loose bits I hate:

Socks. Matching a clean load of socks is a total nightmare for someone with OCD tendencies. Hunt and peck. Hunt and peck. Hunt and peck. WHY GOD WHY? Folding (well, balling together) socks gives me such a tension headache...Oy!

Junk mail and flyers. I have not one but two stickers in my mailbox screaming NO FLYERS PLEASE! (Note the compulsory Canadian "please"--included even on a 3/4 by 2-inch stick-on label.) I blush to think how much it has reduced my overall stress not to get junk mail anymore. In one tiny way, something has been set right in the world.

Those extra envelopes they include with bills. Who the hell pays their bills by cheque anymore? Visa, Bell, banks of Canada: please meet my good friends, The Internet and The Bank Machine.

Bills in general, once they've been paid. WHEN CAN I LET THE OVERFLOWING FILES GO? I know, I know...the CRA needs to be able to go back 7 years. But...seriously...will anyone really ever need my cell phone bill from March 2002?

Mormon and Jehovah's Witness flyers. This place has been just crawling with evangelicals these days. If you're not home when they drop by (and by "not home" I mean "crouching under the window pane until that old man and his miserable-looking 37-year-old-virgin daughter drive away in their 85 Chevy Impala"), they now leave flyers. Go away and take your unnecessary paper with you! I resent having to bin things with Jesus's face on them. Especially when he's kind of cute and surrounded by all those cool animals.

Safety pins, bobby pins, and hair elastics. We fly people into space on a regular basis, yet no device has yet been devised that protects hair accessories from being sucked into the wormhole that leads under my bed, into the bottoms of my old purses, and into the back corners of my lingerie drawer.

Apostrophe misuse. I've noticed a particular problem with use of the possessive ( 's) as a plural (The street was full of car's.) among the British. Ironic, considering it is the birthplace of the language. For me, every misused apostrophe is like a little death.

I'm sure there's a deep philosophical point to be made here about loose bits interfering with my enjoyment of life's important details...Can't see the trees for the leaves, or something like that. Little bits and pieces need to be organized into a context, for me; I don't know why. Maybe I'm missing some synaptic connector (where did it go? is it with the bobby pins????)...This is my albatross. Feel free to share yours.


Blogger angrycandy said...

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5:49 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

10:47 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Folks: There has been an attempted murder. A comment was posted that attempts to murder me by deliberately misusing apostrophes when I specifically mentioned that each one is a "little death" for me (I didn't mean in the orgasmic sense). So I've also taken the liberty of correcting that homicidal attack. (And then accidentally deleting that correction. And then having to re-post it.) Here is the comment, fascistly censored. Take THAT, You Know Who You Are!

7 years? really? shit
...also, bobby pins which lose the little rubber/plastic part on the end causing horrendou's [EDITOR'S NOTE: This one I'm leaving in since it's just a typo and doesn't technically shorten my life. Also it kind of sounds like a funny skin disorder, "Horrendou's Scalp Gouging"...] scalp gouging if you are desperate enough to have to use one (i.e. out of all other bobby pins as they are all hanging out in the cracks of your couch or at your boyfriend's house)...also...flyers stuffed in bills (the bay is horrible for i don't want a desktop "vintage-looking" radio/alarm clock or a china figurine of a little bo beep)...also, LOCAL hydro PROVIDER "changes to the way we are charging you" leaflets of which there seems to be one every two months (get it together people! figure out how to charge us and stick to it!)...also the LOCAL university (and pretty much any other university) website... also...lots of other stuff...

11:01 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

"Who the hell pays their bills by cheque anymore?"

My mother. This is a woman who can disassemble and reassemble a Mac in her sleep, but is just now figuring out how to use an ATM/debit card. She still doesn't understand why the cashier at Target now hands her check back to her. She tries to argue with them that they need to keep it. They tell her no, they've scanned it. She's not sure if she believes them.

"Bills in general, once they've been paid. WHEN CAN I LET THE OVERFLOWING FILES GO? I know, I know...the CRA needs to be able to go back 7 years. But...seriously...will anyone really ever need my cell phone bill from March 2002?"

You know if you throw it away, you'll desperately need it the week after.

Yes, I have OCD, too.

"Mormon and Jehovah's Witness flyers."

I think you'll find that if you take the picture of Jesus and draw little devil horns, goatee, and moustache on him, oh, and paint his eyes Day-Glo yellow, and then hang it up on your door, you won't really get the God-sellers around much more.

The Spouse Sparrow made a Horned God mask out of leaves and branches, and that worked quite well too, while being artsy. Of course he backed the eye holes with a paper painted with glow-in-the-dark paint, and the crazy Born Again neighbors called the landlady repeatedly to complain, so it was endless fun all around.

8:41 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

FS: I will giggle uncontrollably for days thinking about your anti-Mormon/JH device. I'm getting one right away...

AC: I've always suspected you wanted me out of the picture. ;P

10:43 AM  
Blogger tsduff said...

HA ha ha ha - I'm with you on the little deaths caused by apostrophe misuse. Glad to hear I'm not alone. Funny post! I do sympathize with the doggie and the mirror though.

6:13 PM  
Blogger Ann-imal said...

Okay, I must add...

I really have NO idea what to do with the extra bits of yarn you get with some sweaters (as IF I am going to bring this and my sweater with a hole to a tailor), but damn it, I will NOT let them go! Same goes for the extra buttons... All are scattered all over the place and crazy enough, I know where to find them if I need them...

One more "thingy" that gets my goat - I hate when banks stalk you on the phone only to try and sell you insurance or rearrange your financers. BUGGER OFF! If I need you I will call YOU!

Ahh, a sense of calm has just flushed over me...

10:34 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

TSD: Glad to hear I'm not alone in the fight against misapostrophiation (did I mention I am also a staunch supporter of made-up words?)

Annimal: YES!!! Oh, how could I have forgotten the scraps of wool?! That's just someone being cruel, that is. The buttons: I put them all in a large basket, rendering it impossible to ever find the button I need in the highly unlikely event that I'll remember to look in the button basket.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Gizzy said...

What about homonymic death?

Have the apostophe misusers considered where to put there apostrophes when their aren't any required in they're sentences? Hear or hear?



3:32 PM  
Blogger Gizzy said...

I believe that all teh common typos make you die a little inside.

I'll stop now.


3:36 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Gizzy: I see you've joined the dark, murderous side. I feel like Marie Antoinette being hunted down by the very people who once loved her most. Or do I mean Eva Peron? Luke Skywalker? Black Spiderman? You know what I mean.

3:46 PM  

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