Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Thar be dragons

Have you ever been walking through the woods in Eastern Canada on a dark, drizzly June day and found yourself being attacked by an animal that should not be living in your...hemisphere...or...epoch?

I think I was attacked by a komodo dragon today. Or possibly a small triceratops. I'm not sure. It was definitely reptilian. It had big earflap things that were all...sticking out at me. And it was chasing me. And hissing, very loudly. And it was big. Like, about 10 inches tall, it seemed. With big muscular arms. And it was fast. And did I mention that it was hissing?

I was walking through my neighbour's yard (she's on vacation and asked me to keep my eye on the place). Chico was, as usual, way up ahead of me. Suddenly, I hear an unidentifiable hissing noise in the brush behind me and to my right. Fortunately, I had a transcriptionist on hand to track my thoughts from that point on:

What the....? What's that noise? If it's another one of those goddam grouse scaring the...Wait, what is that? ...It's a big...???. ...Is...is it a racoon? ...Am I being stalked by a racoo...no...it has to be a grouse...WHAT THE HELL, why is it moving so fast? Why is it running up to me?! IT'S CHASING ME!!! AND HISSING!!!! And...it has no feathers...!!! Is it...it's a...no...it's a LIZARD! IT'S SOME KIND OF LIZARD! JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH IT'S A LIZARD!!! BUT WE DON'T HAVE LIZARDS HEEEEEERE!!!!!! AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! OH GAAAAAAWD!!! SAVE ME!!!!!!!

That was followed by a lot of shrieking and hand-in-the-air waving and running for my life. Which was in turn followed by approximately 45 minutes of very shaky walking through the woods punctuated by constant paranoid looks behind me to make sure it wasn't following me. I'm still a little pale in the face.

It sort of looked like this fella, only its head-flap thing was a little smaller.

A couple of years ago, my sister's 4-foot iguana escaped from her house (she lives on the west coast). It all ended well; the lizard was spotted in the neighbour's tree a few days later. "He" was fine. I had a good laugh thinking about the poor neighbour, walking out to her car or taking the pooch out for a walk, and looking up to see a massive 4-foot lizard hanging in her chestnut tree. Karma has repaid me for my mocking laughter.

Relative scale of me to the monster that attacked me this morning.

Anyhow, anyone with any ideas on what it could have been...please share.


Blogger The Swearing Lady said...

No notion. But you should really call Steven Spielberg/Weekly World News immediately.

5:05 AM  
Blogger Manuel said...

Dragon, definetly a dragon. Stick to that....

9:19 AM  
Blogger Ann-imal said...

Is it possible that Morrison Heights/Wakefield has its own time-space continuum and you are ACTUALLY still a part of the pre-historic ages? Me thinks so...

P.S. Just buy a big bottle or raid that that "hisser" will be "hiss-tory"! (sorry, I couldn't resist!)

P.P.S. Doing well! Am dropping by your gig this weekend to say "hullo"....

10:40 AM  
Blogger angrycandy said...

had you perhaps indulged in some of the uh..."local vegetation" before setting off on your walk?

5:49 PM  
Blogger Nameless4Now said...

If this is your reaction to a harmless, polite Canadian gnat, you'd better steer well clear of Australia. We've got like 9 of the 10 most deadly snakes on earth. Even the 'brown snake', despite the unimaginative name, has venom that will put you down before you can count to thirty.

So imagine what the 'Death Adder' can do...

10:01 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

SL: I'm on it. So far only the National Inquirer has returned my calls. Desperate, tsk tsk.

M: If it could've breathed fire at me, I'd be charcoal right now. It had a hate on for me, I tell ya.

Annimal: That was my first thought too...it's the simplest solution, really.

AC: Sugar maple? Naw, I'm off that stuff.

N4N: Death Adder...wasn't he in the last Spiderman movie? Cool!...I didn't know he lives in Oz...

11:50 AM  
Blogger Medbh said...

Acid Flashback?
All sorts of exotic animals are shipped and sold around the world. Maybe it was some sort of South American lizard.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Moose said...

(Sorry to leave this in your comments, but I don't have your email address.)

Hooray for San Francisco vacation! San Francisco is the best city on earth. She says with no bias whatsoever.

Food/shopping/must sees: Oh my. Off the top of my head, I love Ti Couz (crepes), Dosa (Indian), Minnie Wilde (indie clothes designer), Ritual Roasters (coffee) - all in the Mission. If your budget is on the generous side, try to get into Quince (1st choice) or Boulevard (2nd choice) for dinner - they are my very favorite restaurants here. Must sees: Driving over the Golden Gate is gorgeous (so is walking, but I'm lazy), the Presidio is beautiful, the neighborhoods and houses in general are worth seeing (esp Pacific Heights and the Marina). Going downtown to take the cable cars is a good way to see some of the city. That's what I've got off the top of my head, but let me know if you want anything more specific.

I don't know what your time frame/schedule is like, but if you want to meet up for coffee or a drink or something, just say the word.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Nameless4Now said...

Oh by the way, what you call a lizard with a 'head flap' thing, it's actually a frilled lizard (Chlamydosaurus kingii).
We've got lots of 'em in Australia, of course they're completely harmless. Down here we typically give them to newborns (not the other way around!) as a 'welcome to the world' celebration. It's good fun.
So most households have a bunch... ;o)

4:37 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Medbh: Hmmm...mind-altering drugs seem to be a theme here. It's almost like you people know me...

Moose: I will definitely e-mail you! Thanks for the tips; yes, let's have a cocktail!

N4N: Interesting tradition. We give our newborns a big spliff and a pint and plunk them in front of Hockey Night in Canada to listen to the soothing sounds of Don Cherry. It's how we all get our start...which explains why we all turn out this way...

(I think frilly lizards are a better deal.)

10:15 AM  
Blogger Nameless4Now said...

frilled, not frilly.

As in 'frilled to meet you'. (sorry!)

Altho to be honest, Aussies would probably abbreviate the name to 'frilly'. So you're right after all. ( As usual;o) )


(Can't shut me up, can you? )

1:56 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Tha's alright--please, don't shut up. I'm frilled when you comment...in a good way...not in the reptilian sense.

6:41 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home