Wednesday, May 02, 2007

More boobies than you can shake a stick at before stabbing yourself in the eyes with that stick and then stabbing out the memory part of your brain...

It's been a crappy, shite-strewn, poop-laden, besuckified, terrible two weeks. I'll spare you the sob story(ies), but there were tragedies real and imagined, and I'm praying for the sweet oblivion of Friday night inebriation.

Making the shittiness even shittier was the self-loathing that drove me to watch two of the worst movies I've ever had the bad luck to scratch my eyes across: Click and Showgirls.

Yes, I had never seen Showgirls/meyourtits.

Worst movie ever. Even worse than this, this, this, and, yes, even this. Not even endless, dizzying exposure to hundreds of deliriously funny naked jiggling boobies could mitigate the eggy fart that is the Showgirls script. I can't believe Charlotte's husband Trey was in that. And that he had fake bad-acting sex with that terrible blonde booby life support system. The sex scene in the pool reminded me of a seal hunt video I recently saw on the World Wildlife Federation site. It amazed me that a graphic sex scene could have the effect of actually sucking all the moisture out of my reproductive system. It's so bad that there aren't enough words in all languages combined to describe its badness, so I'm not even going to try.

And then the boobish badness reproduced. Click. There's a reason this movie shares its name with canned abattoir leavings that taste of ass. Chris Walken, I weep for you. You are dead to me. Adam Sandler. Shame! Shaaaaaame! At what point did you say to yourself, "you know what this movie really needs? In addition to a rancidly twee premise, a cloying, sanctimonious plot, the expulsion of Christopher Walken' soul to the lower rings of hell, and that inexplicable 8-minute scene where I colour-adjust my own face with the universal remote? Gratuitous slow-mo bouncing boobies!!! YEAH!!! SOMEBODY CALL THE ACADEMY!!!!"

I have nothing more to say of this.

Except: hurry up and be Friday!

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6 Comments:

Blogger Nameless4Now said...

Maybe I should just shut up, but why do you do this to yourself?
Perhaps, maybe, deep down, you actually enjoy it.

This was, on your part, clearly pre-meditated viewing.

So, why?

-M

12:19 AM  
Blogger Kav said...

You must have missed the deeper hidden symbolism of the bouncing tits...

5:37 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

nameless: See comment re:"self-loathing" in original post...

It's the same old story...in the case of Click, I thought there might be at least the possibility of escapism. (There wasn't.) As for Showgirls, I thought it might have kitsch value. (It didn't.)

kav: Definitely missed that...

8:56 AM  
Blogger tsduff said...

I was so excited for a moment - when I saw the blue footed booby... but then realized you were not talking about birds LOL!

Sorry your movies were from hell. Better luck next time!

5:22 PM  
Blogger Manuel said...

Adam Sandler has one good movie, Punch Drunk Love, an absolut gem. Masterpiece even. Watch that and your troubles will disappear.Promise...

7:15 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

TS: Sorry to lure you in with a booby only to slap you in the face with...boobies. p.s. I stopped by your place the other day. That sandcastle pic is the shizzah! Seriously one of the most beautiful things I've seen.

Manuel: I loved Punch Drunk Love. Not sure if I'd go as far as masterpiece, but...tomaytoes/tomahtoes as we say over here. Although I guess technically it could be considered Sandler's masterpiece...on a relative scale, like.

10:56 AM  

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