Tuesday, May 02, 2006

If you were an alien, what would you think of lawn care?

Summer's almost here, and I'm thinking that if I were an alien and my spaceship landed in any given suburban yard on a Saturday morning, I'd be really mystified. Based on my study of Earth (known in my language as x49-3-subsector *&^^/0) and the agrarian habits of its seemingly dominant species, the hairless ape that calls itself man, I'd think people were farming grass. That's what lawn care looks like to an alien species, you know.

And here's what would really confuse me: these crazy hairless apes nurture and grow the grass, invent machines to chop and harvest the grass, and then they throw the grass away! They don't eat it, they don't feed it to their livestock (in the suburbs), they don't burn it for fuel. They just bag it and throw it in a landfill. What kind of wacked-out lawn-farmers are they? It would make no sense at all to my alien mind.

Now that's weird, if you're an alien (or the wife of an obsessed lawn-farmer). But the truth is even weirder: we grow and nurture and obsess over the lawn for absolutely no profit to ourselves. We pour pesticides and fertilizer on it, we spend hours grooming it, we use up precious resources for it, with no end result whatsoever. Except that once every few years you're lucky enough to escape the grubs or the mice and have a nice carpet-like lawn that you don't want anybody to walk on and ruin.

I guess what makes us insane (lawn care) also makes us cool, though, because really it's all about our esthetic sense, and we're pretty unique that way. I can't think of another animal that spends so much time and energy on something just to be able to later sit back and look at it (from a distance, please--stay off the lawn).


Blogger superchop said...

I hear ya, its crazy, cause all that crap we put on the lawn, ends up in our water and shortens our liveable life with cancer and other freaked out diseases. Whats the matter with us...speaking of the alien thing you nerdlinger 'whyioughta' I wonder what they think about us drinking the milk of other animals...and the guy who discovered that is considered one of the bravest on earth..you know. Imagine the scene, there you are with "the guy" who first drank milk, he looks over at you and says, you see that crazy looking slow ass mammal over there, I'm going to chase that thing, when I catch it I'm going to squeeze those super long pinkish doohickies that hang down near its rear, and I'm going to drink whatever comes out...pretty brave...pretty brave. ( i heard a comedian do that, I didnt think that up, it was funt though)

5:08 PM  
Blogger bobbysan said...

Imagine if we devoted the same time farming real grass?????

I know I'd be a happy customer!

7:59 AM  

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