Coming this Fall: Clan of the Cave Bear -- Starring YOU

This post isn't about books, it's about fashion. Bear with me (pun sort of intended)...

I loved loved loved loved (quadruple love--that's a lot) Jean Auel's Earth's Children series. The first novel, Clan of the Cavebear, introduces us to Ayla, a tall blonde homo erectus girl raised by neanderthals. (Obvious joke alert: "..Ah, brings back memories of my own childhood...") You may remember the film starring Darryl Hannah. She was disturbingly convincing as a cave woman.

If you read the novels, then you know that Ayla is quite the heroine. She is a brilliant inventor. She teaches herself to hunt. She befriends horses, wolves, cave lions, and wandering cave men. She spontaneously learns speech (her neanderthal family is physically incapable of it). And she is a snappy, innovative dresser. When all you've got is animal carcasses to work with, a little inventiveness goes a long way.

It's fun to read those books and try to picture Ayla in her cave-wear. It's hard not to imagine her as Darryl Hannah, of course, because of the aforementioned movie, but if you try really hard, you can. Disturbingly, though, it looks as though this fall you'll be able to dress like Ayla yourself.

Apparently, fur skirts are coming in. Or as I've taken to calling them, furts. I guess this is an option for women who are a little unsure about wearing dead animal around their shoulders. It's not quite so bad if you're just wrapping carcass around your midsection. Can someone explain the outfits on the right to me? I dare you.

Listen, as I irritatingly mention in almost every post, je suis Canadienne. An inhabitant of one of the coldest countries in the world. But it will never be cold enough for me to consider wearing a furt. And in light of the fact that most of the fashionistas live south of here, I wonder who is supposed to benefit from this new trend of adding pieces of fur to everything (pockets, collars, shoes, etc.)? And what's next, fur dog sweaters? (Me --> retching)

Speaking of neanderthals, what is going on in this image on the left? The caption that went with it exclaims that 'Wool has been rediscovered.' Mark your calendars. March 16 - the day wool was rediscovered. Hadn't you missed our old friend wool? I know I had. Guess I'll have to pack up all my plastic suits...

One of the things I really like about the last few seasons, and the upcoming spring/summer season is the return to a more feminine, close-cropped silhouette. Let's all join together in prayer that this thing on the left doesn't mark a return to baggy androgyny.

And furthermore, at least give us a chance to wear one or two of our pretty sun-dresses before foisting this greige itchy-looking oversized wool nightmare on us. I mean it's still technically winter 2006, for God's sake. I don't want to be looking ahead to next winter already. That's depressing even without the grey-green-sack-suit hybrid and furts.


A last thought on shoes. At least I think that's what these are. Now don't get me wrong--I like them for animated puppets. They're perfect for animated puppets. I'm just not sure they'll work on homo erectus females.

Buy a pair of these little numbers on the left and you get a free time-travel ticket to ancient Venice.

I like to think of these ones on the right as 'Christmas shoes' - nutcrackers.

Have you ever injured your ankle? I have. It was caused by a high-heel boot. A plastic rain boot with smooth plastic bottom worn in March (icy). Went over on my ankle. Permanently stretched the tendons. Would have to get them surgically shortened to fix the injury. So just looking at these makes my blood run cold. Because my injury was sustained from a 3-inch heel. These are at least 5 inches, plus a platform. It would be like falling off a building.

These shoes would have come in handy for Ayla when forging the stream on her way to visit the Mammoth Clan. Or on the many occasions when she had to spear fish or kill charging wildlife. It's a shame, really, that they were invented so late.

Or at all.