Thursday, November 16, 2006

Ye Olde Me

Hey you.

That’s right you, ya little whippersnapper....

...Let me tell ya something about ageing:

You know how you thought you’d be young forever? First person to hit 85 without a single wrinkle? "Kids? I’ll have ‘em later." Don’t like yer job? "I’ll just go back to school."


You thought ageing was all….gradual-like…didn’t ya? Like, ya get a little older every day so nobody’ll notice—least of all you? A frog doesn’t notice when it’s being boiled alive, eh?

Well that’s all lies. LIES!

Aging is…er…quantum-like. You know what I mean by quantum, dontcha? One day you’re walking around like a strutty little peacock. Next day you get up from your chair and WHAM! your goddam foot falls off. Shatters into a thousand different pieces. For no good reason other than quantum ageing.

Nope, ageing is not a gradual thing. You never know what part’s gonna fall off or flatten out next. Pffffft! There go your butt cheeks. Paaaaaaahhhhst! There goes your face. Swwwivvvvfff! Your chin just sprouted pubic hair. POP! Looks like somebody needs bifocals.

So enjoy it while you’ve got it, cuz one day you’ll wake up and find your legs don’t want to straighten out and that ‘crick’ in your neck is actually your spine, permanently locked at a 47-degree angle.

I’m off to take some nudie pictures. My boobs aren’t scheduled to fall until June.

(Now go have some fun! While you can.)


Blogger Moose said...

My boyfriend's turning 40 next year (I KNOW). I wonder if I should stop making fun of him for it?



2:24 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

I actually did not get carded the other week, whilst buying bottles of booze. I do turn 37 next month, but I've always looked so much younger than my age, that I was used to getting carded and harrassed. It was depressing not to.

4:43 PM  
Blogger Kav said...

When I was a teenager I was always waiting to look older. Now I want to look younger. There was probably an ideal age in there somewhere.

5:06 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

24, Kav. That age is 24 (ideal). So if any 24 year-olds read this, note: you are peaking. It's all a crap-heap from here on in.

FS: I am jealous. I guess I've always had an 'of age' look about me cuz I haven't been carded since I was 14.

Moosie: Don't forget how emotionally fragile he is, hon. Men ARE the new women, you know.

10:01 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

You know, it's positively ridiculous, because I had a fake ID from the time I was 15, and I looked like I was maybe 12 then, except for the tatas. Cleavage always helps.

One waitress that carded me in a bar practically had a nervous breakdown after she found out that we were the same age.

I still get people thinking my daughter is my sister, even now. I went to pick her up at her high school last month, and got told off by a security guard for not wearing my school ID, and why wasn't I in class, young lady?

When I was pregnant with her, I was 21, and I used to get little old ladies telling me off in the grocery store for being a whore. They thought I was 13. Jesus.

My parents are the same way. They both look far younger than they actually are. At their 20 year high school reunion, they still looked like they could be in high school.

Like Kav said, it sucks when you're younger and want to look older, but it's a blessing when you are older and still look young.

5:41 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Geezus, can I swim in your gene pool? Mind you, it does sound inconvenient at times!

I've looked the same since age 18 or so. I like to think I haven't aged too much since then (looks wise; body-falling-apart-wise is a different story). People usually think I'm younger than I am, but not underage.

Despite all that, I've never had much cleavage to speak of.

9:19 AM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Sure, but I gotta warn you, my gene pool needs some chlorine.

And I'll be happy to share some cleavage with you. If we average the two of us out, we could probably still both be double D's. I got the genetic double whammy one the boobage, and had been considering breast reduction.

:::giggles at the thought of being a breast donor:::

7:12 PM  

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