Tuesday, November 14, 2006

This Just In: Men and Women? Totally Different.

Ah those wacky gender biologists continue to issue forth new and exciting proclamations from betwixt their butt cheeks. Gems like this:

“Men need to take as good care of their bodies as they do of their cars and trucks, and they don’t.”

Got that, boys? Gotta get your sparkplugs jostled by your meat-cage technician once in a while. Open ‘er up, take a look under the hood. See if she needs a lighter-grade motor oil. That kinda thing.

According to the twelve thousandth NYTimes article on this topic, there's a big crisis now in men’s health. It's being ignored, you see. Cuz women are getting all the attention. Stoopid attention-stealing women.

That’s right: the mean fembot gender biologistas don’t want you to focus on men. NO. Don’t look over there. Don’t gaze at that male embryo and wonder why it’s much more likely to be miscarried. Eyes forward now. Stay focused on the pink ribbon.

And so the heroic men’s health researchers plod away in their secret laboratories, trying desperately to understand male health within the greater context of the overarching ‘norm’: women’s health.



Wasn’t it only 20 years ago that women’s health was a nonexistent research discipline? That women were diagnosed as an offshoot of exclusively male health research? And now we’ve gone so far over to the girl side that we can’t afford to care for the boys?


I don’t understand what the ‘issue’ is here. Is the NYTimes just obsessed with pitting the genders against each other, or is there a real problem?

More importantly, does this mean the future holds novels with titles like “How Archie Got His Moves Back” and “Grimey Secrets of the Ya-Ya Brotherhood”? I need to know: will this new matriarchy lead to phenomena like ‘dick lit?’ I need to know right now.


Of course we need to understand how to keep men alive longer. I mean, sometimes they give off odd odours, but we still love them after all.

But to understand how to keep them around, we need to understand why they die sooner and more easily:

“Even when men and women have the same disease, we often find that men are more likely to die..”

Now, what could be the reason that men die sooner? What. Ever. Could. It. Be? Could it be that they scoff when their wives try to get them to eat better? Drink their faces off with their playoff buddies? Throw themselves from airplanes for fun? Become stressed so easily that they’ve never put together a single IKEA item fully clothed?

“Behavior plays a role in some of the extra deaths and illnesses among men: they tend to be more aggressive than women and to take more risks. Men smoke at higher rates than women, drink more alcohol and are less likely to wear seat belts or use sunscreen. Men also suffer more accidental deaths and serious injuries and are more likely to die of injuries and car accidents. They are three times as likely to be victims of murder, four times as likely to commit suicide and, as teenagers, 11 times as likely to drown.”

Still…if only there was some way to figure out why men die earlier…


One of the things this new men’s health movement is focusing on is getting more men in the doctor’s office.

You men hate seeing doctors, don’t you? Which is why the secret men’s health researchers developed a Trojan horse of sorts:

“New drugs for erectile dysfunction have helped bring men into doctors’ offices in recent years, experts say…”

…But sadly, that hasn’t been enough. What could be the solution? A shift in perspective wherein men don’t favour their erections over, say, the pump that circulates blood through their body and brain so that they can continue to exist?

Nah. That’ll never work.


I don’t know what the solution is. Clearly, the psychologists aren’t going to be much help:

“Many psychologists think the problems are rooted in how boys are raised.”

Yawn. Call me when you are no longer a parody of yourself, psychological profession.


So what do you think the problem is? Why do men die earlier? Is it biology? Is it risk-taking?

Let me pre-empt one guaranteed response: We die earlier cuz we have to live with women. Guffaw guffaw.


Blogger Ann-imal said...

Well, my sister-friend, you have hit all the "nails on the head" with the reasons why men don't live as long, or longer than we wumin'folk. They.Just.Don't.Listen.To.Us. Everytime I TRY to get m'hubby to eat better, I get the "Zolton Ray of Death" look appropriately followed by "enjoy me while I am here". Oy. There just ain't no helpin' 'em....

12:07 PM  
Blogger jackp said...


i'm not listening!!!

here's the solution. men need their own version of Oprah to tell us that being fat is ok, but that when you lose the fat by getting your stomach stapled that is better, and taht being skinny is the best.

god help me. man need to get active, eat better...is that the 'listening' part? People are stupid and lazy...and annoy me

1:38 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Annimal: "Zolton Ray of Death look"--hilarious.

Jackp: Disturbingly accurate Oprah synopsis.

1:45 PM  
Blogger angrycandy said...

ahhahhhahhaaa...loved the male oprah jack p...but here's the thing..who sensed a certain amount of stress radiating from jackp in that comment? hmmm? every guy i've ever known has sweated the small stuff waaaayyy more than me (i know that's hard to believe but its true...)...my current main squeeze deals with the stress of owning his own business admirably but had a total meltdown the last time his hair clippers weren't working...

1:58 PM  
Blogger Ann-imal said...

I concur on the "guy sweating the small stuff" comment. My guy likes to see what my opinion would be on things that have not happened and my not happen... I DON'T want to go "there" unless I really need to "go" there. If I am gonna stress, I need to space it out...

Hahaha - "Oprah for men" - hahaha. Good one! BUT would you really listen or just comment on how stupid they sound?

3:28 PM  
Blogger Mairéad said...

I had a good laugh at your blog - very witty.
On a more serious note - In Ireland, we have a really, really high rate of suicide among young males. We have a huge percentage of road traffic deaths involving one lone male driver hitting walls, trees etc... Suicide by another name?
Scary. "Experts" put it down to young men no longer knowing what their role is in society. Women don't seem to need them for anything anymore..... Could this be a factor?

4:04 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Mairead: Welcome! And I think you may be on to something. Barring the plain old stupidity factor and drunk driving of course.

But yeah, it seems plausible that men of the new "leisure generation" might be having some kind of identity crisis that's driving them apeshit.

I think not having kids until later in life, therefore not having to play the provider role, is screwing with their biological imperatives.

Or maybe it's video games. Yeah, I like blaming the video games.

4:22 PM  
Blogger jackp said...

men 'sweat the small stuff'? please....

is obsessing about an outfit for half a day 'small stuff'?

i have to go home now, to watch coronation st. and oprah. then i watch hockey. i play hockey on mondays. i chop wood.

modern man.


4:44 PM  
Blogger angrycandy said...

oh ho mr. p...i believe i spent an entire afternoon with you obsessing over an outfit...granted it was for your wedding but still...men in dressing rooms...they're a million times worse than women...i can try on 10 pairs of pants in under 5 minutes...but every boyfriend i've ever had has AGONIZED over buying pants and i mean agonized, they must be viewed from every possible angle, their butts must look good in them, they must be the perfect length, they must have enough room in the crotch area, they must be fashionable but not gay, their guts must be free to expand but not be hanging out...they're pants for christ sakes! black pants! just buy a pair!...i think it's total bs that men don't care what they wear - i've seen how happy you are with a new shirt or a pair of pants that fit jack p...don't try to hide it....you're still a man if you stress over clothes...see, we're all equal here...

5:21 PM  
Blogger angrycandy said...

wait a minute...did you mean that you were obsessing over an outfit or your wife?...

5:22 PM  
Blogger Kav said...

Howya whyioughtta, cheers for stopping by my blag - I rarely look at the comments on the 101 pieces of poo thing, hence my delayed response.

Personally I go through lots of woman-like worrying about my weight, without really ever being arsed doing anything about it. Feck it, I'm not that fat. Yet.

You might be onto something with the identity crisis thing. I got married at 23 and the lads thought I was a lunatic. We're all pushing 30 now and most of them are still living the student life.

11:11 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Howdy Kav! (Friends, you've gotta visit Kav's blog...he's completely hilarious and a gifted surrealist. Or cubist. Or something. If I had to bottom line it: bodily fluids, wit, and brutally honest insightfulness. Not necessarily in that order.)

Yeah, on the men thing. I really think this whole "delayed onset of adulthood" is doing a number on the boy-men who still live at home when they're 30, or those whose prospects point to that fate. Well maybe that's true of both genders, but we women've got all the attention now so we're laughing.

I'm sure the true repercussions of all this patooki will only be felt in our childrens' or grandkids' generation, when I'm good and dead. Here's hoping!

2:08 PM  
Blogger Gizzy said...

I think the root of the problem is that men aren't as well equipped to deal with loneliness as women are. Boys either exibit a natural propensity and/or are taught and/or learn to to repress emotions from an early age.

Combining this with testosterone leads to a more intense searching to fill the lonely gap in all of us, mainly by taking greater risk.

Through acts like skydiving, not wearing a seatbelt, driving fast, drinking excessively, mano e mano competition, and any kind of thrill-seeking, men can masquerade as having filled the gap of loneliness, allthewhile expending way too much energy on the way to an early grave.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go bleed my humours...

3:34 PM  
Blogger angrycandy said...

oooo...that's a nifty little chart...i seem to have a combo of all except the yellow-bile..not much yellow-bile in me...

also, umm...i feel kinda bad for men now...what can we do to help guys? do you wanna talk about your feelings and stuff? we're here for you...

the depressive, hoarding, industrious gnome...

4:02 PM  
Blogger jackp said...

uhhh gizzy...

join a team sport...hockey...it will remove the loneliness thing...

very important. through hockey comes wisdom. love that mano mano stuff...

if your father failed you in the hockey dept, correct the problem.


5:06 PM  
Blogger jackp said...

BTW..women play hockey now. they're great skaters...and it's fun to be allowed to chase women...on the ice...

if women play hockey...is that mano mano? please. hockey is the answer to everything. sooner you realize it...sooner you're happy.

5:08 PM  
Blogger Kav said...

Christ, you made me blush when I read that. The only -ist I usually get called is a mentalist, but I prefer your words.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

"More importantly, does this mean the future holds novels with titles like “How Archie Got His Moves Back” and “Grimey Secrets of the Ya-Ya Brotherhood”? I need to know: will this new matriarchy lead to phenomena like ‘dick lit?’ I need to know right now."

Chances are, yes. In recent studies, scientists have found that American men have had a 20% decrease in their average testosterone levels over the last 20 years. They suspect that findings will be similar in other Westernized countries.

That's good news for all of us who thought our husbands were switching teams due to increased watchings of "E!" and "Queer Eye."

But still, someone forgot to tell the Bush Administration, the last lone holdouts. Condi, you are hereby notified.

5:46 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Welcome Fat Sparrow!

Here's my question: they're losing 20% of their testosterone. What's it being replaced with? Licorice chai? I'm scared.

p.s. Apparently the crazy Bushies aren't the only holdouts. Check this out for testosterone-slash-religion
-fueled insanity (headed up by a woman, notice):

12:32 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

"Here's my question: they're losing 20% of their testosterone. What's it being replaced with? Licorice chai? I'm scared."

Worse; estrogen. But now for the good news.... When men start getting their periods, we'll finally get equal rights and one paid week off every month.

"Check this out for testosterone-slash-religion
-fueled insanity

Sorry, no can do. I'm on dial-up; YouTube is dead to me.

4:40 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

LOL, ROTFL, etc...Oh man, that was funny...the men/periods thing. I can't even imagine. The world would literally stop turning.

The YouTube clip is a preview for a documentary called 'Jesus Camp' about an evangelical camp for kids somewhere in the States where 9 year-olds dress in fatigues and learn martial arts and promise to 'lay down their lives for Jesus' when inevitably called on to do so in the coming Armageddon.


For some reason, when you mentioned testosterone and the Bush administration, my mind went immediately to the Jesus Camp clip...

10:08 PM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

"The YouTube clip is a preview for a documentary called 'Jesus Camp'"

Oh yes, I had read about that a while back. The closest thing America's got to the Muslim death-camp suicide-bombing training centers.

Those evangelical nutters really should take up the whole suicide thing; at least the Muslim ones aren't breeding.

Quit looking at me askance; you know you were all thinking it.

5:33 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

The problem is that suicide is forbidden in the Bible, so they'll have to find some MAJOR loophole. I'm sure there's a team of lawyers working on it as we speak...

9:27 AM  
Blogger Fat Sparrow said...

Well, lots of things are forbidden in the Bible; that doesn't stop people from doing them every day. Lying, fornicating, coveting, adultery, eating pork, mmmmmmm.... pork.... mmmmmmmm.... fornicating....

Sorry, my train of thought derailed there.

7:08 PM  

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