Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Perpetual Misery Syndrome

What do you call that period of time between when you actually have your period and the 2 weeks of faceless murderous rage that is PMS? Oh yeah, that's right: a day.

I've got one good day a month in me, people. On that one day, I am not a puffy sausage, my skin is not a topographical map of the Galapagos islands, my thighs are not unbaked loaves of rye bread, I'm energetic, I don't want to hurl elderly drivers into the outer reaches of the solar system, and, you know, I just don't need that extra piece of chocolate. One day. One glorious, wonderful day.

Today is not that day. How is it that the number of encounters with idiot drivers, brainless clients, telemarketers, and bad t.v. programming increases in direct and equal proportion to your level of PMS? And why is this phenomenon not the main preoccupation of all scientists, everywhere?

I remember my aunt telling us this story about her PMS. She would walk into the living room and her husband would be innocently sitting there, watching t.v., and she'd want to walk over to him and knock over his easy-chair . Not violently or anything. Just waltz up to him, smile maniacally, ask him in a crazy high-pitched squeal if he was enjoying the hockey game, and quietly flip over his chair . With him still in it.

What is PMS anyways? (Please don't answer that literally--I'm PMSing and that would really annoy me.) Is it some bizarre genetic throw-back designed to keep males--and everyone else--away for the sketchy period between ovulation and menstruation (sorry guys, I said the M-word)? You know, to make sure the egg implants and stuff?

To get some answers, I visited the Web site of the U.K.'s NAPS--National Association for Premenstrual Syndrome. NAPS. That's kinda funny. Anyhow, the bottom line is this: don't visit PMS sites when you have PMS. They will enrage you, like everything else.

So then I thought it might be a better idea to search out stories. Stories about PMS. Stories I could relate to. Stories to heal me. Did you know that there's actually an entire Web site devoted to PMS stories? Good God. Here are a few of their story summaries:

“When my husband came back he was surprised to see that I bought new bedroom furniture. He wanted to know how I paid for it. I had to break it to him that I sold his truck and his dog.”


“ . . . she slammed the trunk on me and drove about five miles down the road hitting every speed bump and pothole she could find.”


The site also features: a woman who shaved her husband's genitals and then poured tobasco sauce on them, while he was sleeping (inexplicably, the story is written by the husband, and he seems to get a kick out of it). A woman who burned all of her husband's clothes in the wood stove when he commanded her to have his laundry done by the end of the day (it wouldn't take PMS for me to do that). The woman who fed Ex-Lax to her unwitting ex-boyfriend just before he went on stage with his band.

Geez. I thought I was bad for speaking to the dog in an angry tone of voice.

I feel better already.


10 Comments:

Blogger whyioughtta said...

Due to technical poopie-poops with Blogger, I've had to republish this post. You know, so the world would not lose the earth-shattering insight...

11:48 AM  
Blogger Ann-imal said...

I love your insight! As a matter of fact, I turn to it weekly to rid my mind of the clutter that collects over the days...

This posting hit close to home. I have had moments (and some of you may be REALLY shocked by this - hahaha) where I walk around in perpetual "everything everybody does is really BUGGING me" mode.

god love those hormones!

Now gimme some fries!

3:56 PM  
Blogger jackp said...

i'm always in that mood...

i don't have 'PMS' but i live beside it all my life......it's like second hand smoke...it still effects me...i still suffer

12:16 PM  
Blogger superchop said...

is it safe to answer now????? I thought PMS was something women invented so that they could get their way when reason and common sense was against them.....hows that for adding gasoline to a brush fire.....hehehe

1:10 AM  
Blogger superchop said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:10 AM  
Blogger superchop said...

I guess when you are this right nobody answers you.....

10:12 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

no, we're just busy planning the perfect moment to strike. watch your back, superchop...

1:30 PM  
Blogger Moose said...

I admire women who actually do something constructive with their PMS (like tip over chairs with husbands still in them). I just cry.

7:41 AM  
Blogger angrycandy said...

what do people without husbands do? i have no one to work out my anger and depression on except myself. and my sister in law...hahahahaha...inside joke....

10:12 AM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

i've come nearly a full cycle since i wrote this...can feel the twinges of unanchored melancholia rolling in again...and so, i will have the last word on this...the last word being that, with pms, the end has no end...

12:16 PM  

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