Y'all better listen now, or we's gonna have us a dust-up.

Okay, when I say "and how's that workin for yuh so far?" or "that's about as useful as pockets on a cat," ...who springs to mind? When, rather than responding to your question directly, I refer you to my new book, "Flogging the Family," chapter three, who am I emulating? Oh, you know it...

I find myself strangely drawn to the Dr. Phil show--like a seal to the slaughter. The other day, I actually teared up. What defences did I have against that touching background music? It droned ever so quietly as Dr. Phil counselled a dying anorexic woman in hospital. I thought, "it's just too coincidental that that hospital is playing that violin music over its PA system. Verily, this man must be anointed by the Almighty." What do you think? Actually, scratch that. What you think doesn't matter. It's what Dr. Phil thinks that matters now.

Don't know whether you've noticed, but Dr. Phil has totally upped the drama queen ante over the last few months. I've counted at least 5 shows where he hurls himself off his bar stool, moaning, "I can't help you. You're just not ready" and storms off the stage. That's high drama people. I mean, we're not talking about any old accredited psychologist here. We're talking the coolest cat in crackpotdom.

Personally, I love the new dramatic Phil. I've also noticed more witty banter between him and Robin, and the occasional visit by his son. Have you picked up their new books lately? If you haven't, you should. They're much more qualified to comment on life and relationships than you are.

Well, I'm all outta gas now friends. I'm like a steer in a bucket. Time for me to get out there and live my best life (wait, I think that's Oprah). Thanks for tuning in, and be sure to come back tomorrow.