Luke Perry's Descent into the Styrofoam Version of Hell

Apparently I'm now a film reviewer. Thas right. I've been blogging since January 11, 2006, and I'm now an online film reviewer. That's in addition to my OCD activities. So because it's sticking in my mind like a discarded lump of chewin tabacky, I'm reviewing the made-for-tv movie 'Descent' starring Dylan McKay playing Luke Perry playing Dylan McKay playing a scientist with bad hair-plugs. Oh if only Dylan-Luke-Dylan had the performance range of Dr. Karen West's strangely phallic digging machine in this film, the movie might have been so much better.

Viewers: 1; Non-Viewers: 5.999 Billion
Oh, who am I kidding. Nothing could have saved it. Did anyone else see it or am I the only human in the known universe who actually sat through the whole damn thing?...I'm racking my brains trying to think of a worse sci fi movie I've seen recently...Volcano springs to mind...but it's not such a blatant rip off as this one (The Core).


A Simple Story About Somebody Doing Something
The premise of this movie is simple: a team of scientists and military personnel who display unexplained and disproportionate amounts of hostility toward each other will use the aforementioned man-carrying superdildo to leave some kind of ultra-powerful bomb at various drop-off points in the Earth's mantle to somehow blast something back into place somewhere so the earth's tectonic plates will either start or stop doing something.

Canuk Huh?
First I have to say how much it pains me to self-righteously criticize this movie. Not because it sucks so bad, not because poking fun at obvious crap is the basest form of self-amusement, but because it's pretty much an all-Canadian cast and production, and I'm Canadian, and I don't like feeling embarassed for my people this way. I wish someone could explain to me why a country so rich in art and talent and resources and weed will put out movies like this all too often.

Guest Starring Lieutenant Worf
Well, that's enough navel-gazing, let's get to the muck-raking! Okay, so Lieutenant Worf makes a guest appearance in this one, this time doing a not-so-good imitation of a human being. It's hard for him. Acting is not the Klingon way. Worf does occasionally mug it up for the camera, though, like in that one scene where he slightly modifies his vocal range in order to depict a human-like variation in emotion....

Worf plays General Fielding (a rise in the ranks that Worf finds not at all amusing). From what I can tell, General Fielding is a typical Canadian charicature of typical American charicatures of typical amoral American military Generals. For reasons that remain mysterious even after the movie has ended, Worf orders two military men who are accompanying three core-faring civilians to the lower layer of the earth's mantle to kill said civilians once the blaster-boner has reached its target coordinates. Their orders are then to return to the surface and explain the murders by saying...er, well, I guess he's not thinking that far ahead. Or maybe we viewers will be informed on a need to know basis.

In the end, Worf's diabolical plot is foiled. Ah, Worfie, don't fret. Remember, bortaS blr jablu'DI'reH QaQqu' nay'.


Other Key Charicatures, er I Mean Characters
Let's see...most of the other characters are hazy and forgettable. There's the chick who invents the big earth-drilling machine. There's the aggressive woman from Street Legal who plays some kind of generic presidential aide. Um, there's the scientist who is Brandon to Perry's Dylan, who invents the fuel that powers the Blastmobile and the explosives that can ironically both destroy and save the world. And there's the HEElarious comedic relief scientist nerd duo--and by 'heelarious' I mean 'watching them made me attempt self-lobotomy'--whose PhDs empower them to point out glaringly obvious information to the collection of geriatrics manning the mission control station.

In the end, something happens, they somehow travel from the center of the earth to a bay off the coast of Washington state, and Dylan's hair plugs survive the journey. The most important thing, though, is that the movie ends ...

...I'll be gearing up for my next review shortly. Must go gaze passively at OTHER screen now...