Thursday, January 12, 2006

Luke Perry's Descent into the Styrofoam Version of Hell

Apparently I'm now a film reviewer. Thas right. I've been blogging since January 11, 2006, and I'm now an online film reviewer. That's in addition to my OCD activities. So because it's sticking in my mind like a discarded lump of chewin tabacky, I'm reviewing the made-for-tv movie 'Descent' starring Dylan McKay playing Luke Perry playing Dylan McKay playing a scientist with bad hair-plugs. Oh if only Dylan-Luke-Dylan had the performance range of Dr. Karen West's strangely phallic digging machine in this film, the movie might have been so much better.

Viewers: 1; Non-Viewers: 5.999 Billion
Oh, who am I kidding. Nothing could have saved it. Did anyone else see it or am I the only human in the known universe who actually sat through the whole damn thing?...I'm racking my brains trying to think of a worse sci fi movie I've seen recently...Volcano springs to mind...but it's not such a blatant rip off as this one (The Core).

A Simple Story About Somebody Doing Something

The premise of this movie is simple: a team of scientists and military personnel who display unexplained and disproportionate amounts of hostility toward each other will use the aforementioned man-carrying superdildo to leave some kind of ultra-powerful bomb at various drop-off points in the Earth's mantle to somehow blast something back into place somewhere so the earth's tectonic plates will either start or stop doing something.

Canuk Huh?
First I have to say how much it pains me to self-righteously criticize this movie. Not because it sucks so bad, not because poking fun at obvious crap is the basest form of self-amusement, but because it's pretty much an all-Canadian cast and production, and I'm Canadian, and I don't like feeling embarassed for my people this way. I wish someone could explain to me why a country so rich in art and talent and resources and weed will put out movies like this all too often.

Guest Starring Lieutenant Worf
Well, that's enough navel-gazing, let's get to the muck-raking! Okay, so Lieutenant Worf makes a guest appearance in this one, this time doing a not-so-good imitation of a human being. It's hard for him. Acting is not the Klingon way. Worf does occasionally mug it up for the camera, though, like in that one scene where he slightly modifies his vocal range in order to depict a human-like variation in emotion....

Worf plays General Fielding (a rise in the ranks that Worf finds not at all amusing). From what I can tell, General Fielding is a typical Canadian charicature of typical American charicatures of typical amoral American military Generals. For reasons that remain mysterious even after the movie has ended, Worf orders two military men who are accompanying three core-faring civilians to the lower layer of the earth's mantle to kill said civilians once the blaster-boner has reached its target coordinates. Their orders are then to return to the surface and explain the murders by, well, I guess he's not thinking that far ahead. Or maybe we viewers will be informed on a need to know basis.

In the end, Worf's diabolical plot is foiled. Ah, Worfie, don't fret. Remember, bortaS blr jablu'DI'reH QaQqu' nay'.

Other Key Charicatures, er I Mean Characters

Let's see...most of the other characters are hazy and forgettable. There's the chick who invents the big earth-drilling machine. There's the aggressive woman from Street Legal who plays some kind of generic presidential aide. Um, there's the scientist who is Brandon to Perry's Dylan, who invents the fuel that powers the Blastmobile and the explosives that can ironically both destroy and save the world. And there's the HEElarious comedic relief scientist nerd duo--and by 'heelarious' I mean 'watching them made me attempt self-lobotomy'--whose PhDs empower them to point out glaringly obvious information to the collection of geriatrics manning the mission control station.

In the end, something happens, they somehow travel from the center of the earth to a bay off the coast of Washington state, and Dylan's hair plugs survive the journey. The most important thing, though, is that the movie ends ...

...I'll be gearing up for my next review shortly. Must go gaze passively at OTHER screen now...


Blogger Mia said...

Hi there, don't know if you'll see this comment but thought I'd leave it anyway.

I seem to remember snoring through er I mean watching this film sometime about a year ago. It was such a bad experience that I had it hidden somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of my memory. Now you've brought it back to my rememberance I'll have to go back to the memory eraser machine - Oh wait that was Ben Affleck in Paycheck right?!?!

Great review! You've gained another regular reader over in good 'ole Blighty!


1:10 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Oooooooeeewwwww! Paycheck. I'd forgotten about that one. Mercifully.

If we still had a Liberal government here in Canada you probably could've successfully sued the Canadian production company that made this film. For mental distress. And made millions. Sadly, those days are gone. ...but I'm kind of on a tangent here.

I don't understand why this movie would be imported to the UK. It's like importing a mad cow. You poor thing.

p.s. Speaking of television imports, I saw a Corrie reference on your blog--I'm a huge fan. Now THAT show is genius...

8:56 PM  
Blogger Mia said...

Oh My Gosh! I didn't realise you were blessed with Corrie over there! How provincial of me - LOL!

Is it shown regularly?


3:26 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Yep. Every day, and 4 times on Sunday, I think. From what I understand, though, we're about 6 months behind the U.K. shows (flamin' Nora!).

If you go to and check the Canadian visual updates, you'll see where we're at. Gandalf (Ian McKellen)is currently making his guest appearance.

It's such an amazing show. It's sort of Shakespearean in a way. Very well written, with great acting. My husband got me hooked years ago.

Have you been watching it all your life? Do you ever watch Eastenders? We get it here but I've never watched it. I'd feel like I was cheating...

4:59 PM  
Blogger Mia said...

I only got into Corrie about ten years ago (I'm over 40 now) but I love it. You're right too, it's almost Shakespearean and I love it!

One minute belly bustin' comedy, the next high drama. Fantastic.

Yeah it sounds like you're a good few months behind us. I won't say what's happening here in case I spoil it for you.

I watch Eastenders too but I sometimes leave it 'cause it gets a bit depressing and the story lines just keep on going round in circles. Long lost relation appears, bit of a scamp turns out to have a heart of gold or new family appears, loads of affairs family falls apart. Everyone airs their worst secrets in the Vic. Peggy says, "come on everyone, have a drink, the shows over".



PS Why would you feel like you were cheating if you watched Eastenders.

2:41 PM  
Blogger whyioughtta said...

Yeah I guess that was kind of unclear...I'd feel like I was cheating on Corrie :^)...Isn't there a big rivalry between the two shows?

So how accurate is Corrie re: life in Manchester/the North? I've never had the pleasure of going to England, but I'd love to. We were going to go & do the Granada tour, but I heard they've closed it down.

Do you watch How Not to Decorate? It's new over here, but you've probably had it there for a while. Two male designers tackle hideously decorated houses. They're very sarcastic. It's hilarious--sort of the decorating version of Trinny and Susannah.

9:05 AM  

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